10/18/2009
The start of 100 Strangers

Kerstin
I met Kerstin at the top of Dwight Blvd on 10/17/2009. She is a 22 year old foriegn exchange student from Sweden studying mathematics at Cal. She is doing research on the growth of cancer cells.

 

This is Ronnie, and Scottman traveling through America visiting the National Forests. He plans on traveling around for at least 90 days. He was hiking on the beach in Northern California when a ranger asked him to pay $30. He was indignant about the whole thing.


This goofy couple from LA kept encouraging me to work for the school district for security, benefits, and holidays. She teaches special ed in high school and he is a social worker. In Philadelphia, where she's from, they would call him a truant officer. We are so touchy feely here in California.

They were traveling from the Coleseum to Downtown Oakland and I was traveling from Fruitvale, to home. They had gotten on the wrong train and missed the transfer point, as had I. The three of us were dumped in San Francisco. They were drunk. I was sober and I had no excuse.

10/10/2009
Until the dawn I wait the morrow.
Alone on couch I weep with sorrow.
Though my orbitals find not storm
Within from, internal wells I mourn.
For Karla, a maiden radiant and rare
Who was so filled with life and so filled with dare.
My heart, in slow agony, I've torn asunder
With guilt and shame of relationships blundered.
Beautiful sweet friendships are mine no more
In my mind, myself abhor.
I have a choice, to seek deeper into mine misery
Or break free to join humanity.
As lost as I be, I do seek glee.
You can help most by accepting me.

2/05/2009
Strawberry flavored kisses.
 
When I think of Sylvi,
I think of perfect red roses.
I am reminded of her lips, rose colored.
Lips where sweet words fall out.
Sweet words I crave.

2/04/2009
"Yellow Tape"
 
I heard a loud knock on my door at 7:40am. I chose to ignore it, thinking it might be my landlord asking for rent. I heard the loud knock on the doors of my neighbors. I thought maybe there is a fire in the building and I should get dressed. I waited. In a few moments, I heard my neighbors talking outside so I got out of bed, dressed and went outside to hear what they had to say.
 
Don said a person was hit while walking at around 5am. He heard fighting and then a lot of screaming. The paramedics were on the scene that morning and had been there until about 6:30am. I could hear police directing traffic outside over the bull horn. "Do not cross the yellow line!" Sun said it was the police knocking on our doors this morning asking for information.
 
I walked to the window and saw that the south bound lane of San Pablo Ave was taped off from the cross walk all the way to 55th St. I asked Don if he had called the police. He said, "No, it is better to be safe than sorry. You have to talk to police on the side. Who knows who is watching you talk?"
 
At this point I'm wondering, did a homicide occur just outside my window? Did I sleep through it? Do I want to leave the house?
 
I was running late to work by this point. I crawled back into bed and put the covers over my head. I tried to sleep over the angry shouting of passerbys and the loud directions of Oakland PD telling people to stay on this side of the yellow tape.
 
I was not going to leave the house today.
 
Here's what happened officially:
http://www.mercurynews.com/breakingnews/ci_11626696

12/21/2008
Waiting Time

Sylvi taught me waiting time. As a teacher, when you ask a question, don't pick the first person who raises his hands. Count to yourself first. "1-hippopotumus, 2-hippopotomus, 3-hippopotomus, 4-hippopotomus, 5-hippopotmus." It allows people to process your question, and come up with an answer.

This is great feedback for my dance teaching and leading. I need to pause a moment to give an introduction to each song before putting on the music and calling out the steps.

So here I go. 1-hippopotumus, 2 hippopotumus, . . . . .


12/10/2008
It's hard to look you in the eye.
So far away
I try to open my mouth
And I don't know what to say

Do you even see me
Standing before you. Giving you my all.

And can you hear me crying?
These tears in silence.
Do you know I'm dying.
Do you know I'm dying.
Do you know I'm dying.

It hurts to lie beside you
So far away
I try to open you up.
But you don't know what to say.

Do you even know me.
After 10 months. when we're going steady.
And will you ever know me.
Is this the closest we'll ever be?
We'll ever be?
Is this the closest we'll ever be?
We'll ever be?

11/30/2008

Mornings are for cuddling with your lover.

Mornings are for bonding with your lover.


Mornings are for admiring your lover.
I've been awake for about half an hour. Sylvi opens her eyes.
"You are creepy when you stare at me."
"I can't help it," is my reply.

12/16/2007

Love is easy when you're dancing in the wind

Nothing to hold you back

 

Love is easy when you're letting go of fear

Letting go of control

Not caring where you go

 

Won't you take my hand

 

 

11/25/2007

Everybody! Move your body! (N'sync)

 

Thank you Isaac and Jane for making it such a fun night of dancing.

   

 

11/24/2007

Everything is meaningless without you there to share it

I need an empathetic ear tonight.

This pear that I bite into, tasting bitter without you

This painting isn't going to paint itself.

 

There is no point to living without love

It helps everyone of us rise above

The pain that fills this world

The silence between the words

Love connects.

 

11/5/2007

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Body Expressions"

5 piece series

11-5-2007

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

5/12/2007

-The Hill-

A poem by my friend Marco to his love Nadine

 

I have such strong feelings

Should I kiss her?

Together, you, me

under a sky so blue

Wanting to hold you

What stops me?

A mind that holds on tenaciously

to heartache memory

We stand high on a hill

guilded by golden grasses

a different world

for a boy and a girl

Despite our affection, we did not kiss!

Holding me back from loving you

was confusion, childish feelings

and impulsive whims of honor true

follow my heart through and through

upon a new wind doth brew

a serenity that calls you too.

Constantly, descending the hill

we question our iron will

Aye, into complex but simple still

Ah! a heart that's masked behind a quille

 

5/12/2007

Sitting next to my friend there is silence.

Not the awkward silence of two new love birds

   questioning their own feelings about each other.

Not the intimating silence of a stern father.

Nor is it like the silence of an ex-lover in the same elevator.

It is the comforting silence of understanding.

Like the flutter of butterfly wings kissed by a gentle breeze.

Or the soft brush of the cat across your leg.

There is laughter in the silence.

The playfulness of on hundred children running barefoot in the grass.

There is thoughtfulness and caring.

There is love.

Communicating in ways beyond words we lift each other to great heights.

 

5/8/2007

I close my eyes and I try to sleep.

The summer heat is getting me.

I toss and turn and the

The sheets are wet with my own sweat.

What's getting me

Is I miss you.

I miss you.

 

5/8/2007

wanting. . .the distance in time and space

between us to disappear into thin

Air.

 

5/7/2007

waiting. . . your scent lingers still

in the interwoven fabric of my sweater.

Ah.

 

5/1/2007

The reasons of fallen trees will never get to me

Since the rhymes are deeper then the roots.

On the ground, my feet planted solidly

I can still fly above the sun.

I will show the world what it means to be tall.

 

4/28/2007

Not knowing what I want, I'm less likely to be disappointed.

 

4/27/2007

It is easier to not know what I want.

I am more natural.

I am freer.

I have no expectations and it is harder to be let down.

 

But when I know what it is I want.

I am a bumbling fool.

My own obstacle.

Unable to communicate I let myself down

and I lead myself farther from my desires.

 

4/8/2007

Only fools deny certain pleasures.

One must love to the fullest. Give it your all. Give it your best. How ever you want to put it.

Take the step towards empowerment because you are invincible.

Hurt makes me feel alive.

 

 

2/9/2007

A shiver runs down my back

As the rain drizzles down upon the sidewalk.

I want to hold you but

The time is not right.

 

My mind persuades my heart to quiet

As the wind persuades the trees to bend.

I want to touch you but

The time is not right.

 

I let out a sigh; my breath fogs the window

As the clouds sigh and the fog blankets the bay with its mystery.

I want to kiss you but

The time is not right.

 

2/7/2007

My lover is an artist.

She creates something where there was nothing before.

 

2/7/2007

Everytime I close my eyes

I can hear four seasons in my ear.

Everytime I close my eyes

Sounds of violins bring me near.

Sweet tomorrow.

 

When will I find the courage

To say exactly how I feel?

When will I find the courage

To make the move towards happiness?

Sweet tomorrow.

 

2/5/2007

Do you know what I love about being with a baby? She is so present. Something I would like to learn again. Lia is a master at not concerning herself with anything except the task at hand. The only important thing to her, in one particular moment, is putting cylinders in the round holes, and the rectangular prisms in the square holes. Life is so much simpler when I am fully present. And Lia can laugh. I think the meaning of life is captured in the laughter of a child.

 

2/1/2007

Who is my lover?

 

My lover is my best friend.

She is my teacher, my protector.

My lover teaches me how to love.

My lover protects me from myself.

 

1/25/2007

I have the best friends ever. Have you told your friends that you love them?

 

1/23/2007

What is love?

A 16 year old boy on the crisis lines defined it with 4 points.

-You protect the person you love

-You give everything to the person you love

-You put the person you love before you

-You are willing to sacrifice everything for your love.

 

1/15/2006
You will sit next to me
As I finish these pills.
You will hold my hand
As I put this bag over my head.
Watch as I float away
Peacefully. The colors and shapes will accompany my journey.

This bed is the last place I felt happiness.
Where I had hope.
There is no hope anymore.
I want to finish me here.

Laughter disgusts me.
The sunlight burns my skin.
Uncontrollable vomit is all that remains.

Even with you I am lonely.
Without you I feel nothing.
I have no more energy to wait in line at the amusement park.

You will sit next to me
As I finish these pills.
You will hold my hand
As I put this bag over my head.
Watch as I float away
Peacefully. The colors and shapes accompany my journey.
 

12/3/2005
How can I give myself to others when I don't give me to myself?
What does it take to step back and sink into the comfort of silence.
I've grown accustomed to the noise in my head. This constant anxiety. Lists. People's names to remember. Things to do!
I seek silence.

Here is a poem a friend wrote:
"question and answer session"

does your soul sing to you?
does it sing at all?
it is all break downs and back beats?
has the cacophony of chaos drowned the voice of your soul?
why not let silence intervene?
rehabilitate.
meditate on the sound of silence.

"response to question and answer session"

I would like to sing from my soul.
Yes it sings, but quietly from the back row.
I know I need a rousing chorus!
Only in silence will I find reward.
 

10/26/2005
I wrote a new song today! By the end of the week there should be a recording.
Looking through my telescope I glimpse
All the stars are telling their stories
Thousand year old tales constantly traveling
Through empty space to send me a message

That I’m free
Free to be as I please.
Yes I’m free
Free of my needs.

Dog barking in the window of the Cadillac
Fat man eating his big mac
I see myself and the path in front of me
Not looking back Not regretting

Cuz I’m free
Free to be as I please.
Yes I’m free.
Free of my needs.

The fresh air burns my lungs and boy I need it badly
 

10/25/05
As the colors change and the leaves fade,
People summersault in October.

Movement occur neither good nor bad.
yet we feel loss, grief, mourning.
Mixed with hope.

The fall brings new meaning to life.

Solitude is sought.
Memories are picked apart and savored.
Regrets. . .No I don't regret anything.
Feelings are learned to be felt.
Expressions expressed.
Gratitude, friendship, love.

If only the world knew how to accept
Me.
 

10/20/05
No writing in almost a week I can't believe myself.

Walking.
On my left are clouds moving
Over the hills.
Dark, threatening, waiting.
On my right is sun warming
Over the bay.
The light dancing on the waters
Inviting.
I keep my head looking forward
and step into moving traffic.
 

10/14/05
For the past week I've felt on the verge of tears.
Yet I've been laughing at everything.
"Binh, I've had a bad day."
giggle, giggle.
I want the flood to happen, but I can't tap into that place.
I thought I would have hit it with what I said today.
I said something very special today to the people whom I love.
no luck. no tears.
I feel these pressure below my eye, I am squinting.
Something wants to come out.
What is it?
I feel in between.

What did I say today at the table with the leg of lamb chopped up in front of me?
I told my friends I love them.
I made a promise to keep them safe from loneliness.
Loneliness is the biggest killer in this world.
I am a fortunate being to escape such illness.
 

10/13/05

Framed by the borders of my peripheral vision

I drink you in with my eyes.

A perfect portrait of beauty, mystery,

an illusion?

If you smile, I will wink.

If you wink, I will follow your cue.

Lead me into the depths of your desire.

I know what you are thinking.

"How easy he is."

 

10/11/05
This day is the best day of my life.
I live as though tomorrow I can lay down and die.
This day is the best day of my life.
Why wait until tomorrow if I don't know if the sun will rise.

Forget about your troubled world for just a moment.
Stop and listen to the ground move
To the people around you.
Smile at a stranger. It will do you and that person some good.
Notice the cracks in the ground,
but don't walk with your head down.
Pause at each stop light to ponder the meaning of life.
--------------------
Breathing together
Sharing the same air.
We follow the rhythm of our hearts.
We follow the rhythm of our love.

Can you see?
There's no greater place to be.
Then beside me
As we breathe?
---------------------------------

Touched
Softly.
Like a cool breeze whispering song of graceful movements.
Where do I belong?
Here.
Held
By you.
 

Kissed

Softly.

As summer rain caresses each individual blade of grass.

Where do you belong?

Here.

Held

By me.

------------------------------

 

10/6/05
Found a rock between my toes
my feet are clean my socks are new.
Found an alley where nobody goes
Don't you want to put on my shoe?
______________________________________
I need a place for my heart.
A bookshelf of some sort
Where I store my old photographs and spare change
and Books I don't read
The sex manuals I now do not need

I need a place to share my thoughts.
My friends are nice containers for jam
Pickling party anyone?

I need a place to put my love.
Who is willing to receive what I have to give?
Who is willing to be the urn for my ashes
After love has run its course, only ashes are left behind, of course.
But these ashes can be used to fertilize new love.
So really, I don't need an urn.
But a pot.
Who would like to be my pot?
A place to hold my sprouts.

I need a place for my sprouts.
For no one knows really what comes out.
Will my sprouts become tumbleweed?
Drying with loneliness.
Or will they flower into a durian.
 

10/5/2005

blink one blink twice

the tears fall insistently from my right eye

looking at glass I smile

the sun has not come up yet

I've not come up in a long time

oh the shapes and sounds

the shapes and sounds

I've worked to create will create me

I am in need of creation

A creature at this station

Who knows not

 

10/04/2005

with tender eyes

won't you look at me

with tender eyes?

__________________

Waiting for my plane, I have time to think

Why have I been so afraid to think?

My mind has turned to mush.

My heart has turned to mush. 

Thinking is not so bad actually.

It is feeling. 

How one person can make you feel one way and another way

At the same time. 

Pain and pleasure.

Pleasure and pain.